somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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