Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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