ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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