i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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