boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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