i just wanna soil my oats bro
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
