let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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