I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
