News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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