Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
