This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
