I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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