i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
