The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
