Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
