I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
