At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
