wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
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For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
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I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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