i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
