you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
