My brain says no but my pants say off.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Randomize
