I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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