Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
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Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
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It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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