Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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