Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
