I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
