I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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