can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
