My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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