so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
