I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
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I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
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He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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