I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
