We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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