Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
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