I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
