The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
