I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
