i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
