I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
