I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
