I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
