I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
