It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
