I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
