people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
