Heybabeimwearingurpanties
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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