I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
