sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
