I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
