I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
me + whiskey = a bad person
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
