Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
