I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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