The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
