It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
