I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i wish my penis had a tongue
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
