My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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