Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm really busy with my period
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