I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
