My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
