so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
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There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
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I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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