Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
