U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
